POOP PIPE LINE (a modest proposal)
by guitry
Unbeknownst to most Americans, the US government has been working on a project which due to its sensitive nature has been given no publicity.
Most farmers in the Midwest have been spending substantial sums on synthetic fertilizer products; this in turn has raised farming costs and food prices. In former simpler days, crop raising farms were situated next to animal grazing lands. Thus a natural source of fertilizer was at hand. But due to the high cost of farm land this is no longer the situation.
If you travel interstate route 5 in California from Los Angeles to San Francisco, you will eventually pass through the odiferous zone. The smell of massive amounts of animal waste rises from pungent pools, and permeates the nostrils of all who pass through. This situation repeats itself through many areas in the US. These wastes infiltrate the ground and can cause water and crop pollution.
At first a movement to eliminate these bovine and porcine creatures from the food source was tentatively suggested. But carnivores and restaurant interests successfully lobbied Congress out of it. However, the US government remained convinced that wasting these animal wastes was simply un-American and launched their initiative code named “The Poop Pipeline”.
The initial plan called for an above ground pipe line to be erected from California to Iowa with intermediate “poop drops” in Colorado and Nebraska. The waste would be sucked into the pipe line and would travel across the country bringing much needed relief to the farmers who would no longer be hostage to the greedy fertilizer producers.
The project was begun and at first the pipe line hewed close to existing power lines and was not noticed by most citizens, but as it started to stray into a few outlying backyards, curiosity arose and city councils heard comments at public hearings about “funny smells” Neighbors began to be suspicious of each other and comments like “what is going on in your back yard?” and “I better call the police, smells like a dead body” were heard. The government stopped the projects temporarily and then attached small reservoirs of permanent air fresheners (pine scent) at regular intervals along the pipe line.
A technical glitch developed in the transference of the waste at the point of origin of the pipe line. It seemed that the large pools still existed because the animals’ evacuating habits were not predictable and the benefits of eliminating the degradation of the ground water and gradual eradication of the odors were not achieved.
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Fortunately modern technology and the advances of animal husbandry solved the problem. It seemed that a doctor of vetenary medicine had been experimenting with a small device which when ingested by a cow or pig could control the performance of its daily duty. The device was tested at a large animal compound and the government officials were amazed. The cows and porcs actually queued at the pits according to species and the pre-set times.
The government decided to discretely solicit responses from key individuals; what it called the movers and shakers.
Senator Grassley of Iowa commented that he was in favor, providing that the Iowa farmers did not have to pay for the manure. He wanted it free or subsidized. “No pay for poop” was his final word.
Famed architect Frank Gehry said it was fine but the pipe should be made of a bright and reflective material and should “soar”.
A powerful member of the SPCA violently objected to inserting foreign material into “God’s creatures” until it was explained to her that the same device could be installed into her three Dobermans thus simplifying her daily walk routine and poop collecting duties.
An ex-CIA director, a prison warden, a former Secretary of Defense, and a Marine drill sergeant all asked the same question. They were told that more study would be required.
The Director of Homeland Security at first stated that it was a tempting target for terrorists but when told that an addendum to the Patriot Act would be passed allowing the wire tapping and searches without a warrant of all who came or lived within two miles of the poop pipeline, he became a gleeful convert.
The poop pipeline was begun. A small leak occurred as it crossed the Utah desert. Soon flowers and lush grass became abundant in that formerly barren spot and upon discovery by ousted Brigham Young students (“daters”) this was immediately taken as a divine sign and a new religion was born. Its adherents “cross” themselves by making the sign of the poop pipeline which would be described here, but it is a secret ritual and can not be divulged.
Look out for the poop pipe line coming to your neighborhood.